At Times

 Certain things happen to you in life that you really don't understand why, and some things hurt you and make you reluctant to give your heart to someone and unwillingly things just happen. I've always been the type to always try to conceal of who I really am, I'm a very social and interactive person that likes to hold conversation with different people, yet when it comes to dating I'm not the best at picking the right guys, 2015 started off pretty shaky but towards the end it felt like things fell into place, I met someone who surprisingly caught my attention and understood me for me. The easiness of our relationship made me comfortable to be around him because it wasn't what my appearance that mattered but more of the person I was and was able to be around like. People have opinions and say and stuff in things that shouldn't really concern them and with that being said I always tried to keep negative comments about my relationship out but it's hard to do that when everything you do is public and by that I mean posting on social media and what not. My best friends were able to get along with them and if I'm gonna trust anyone else's opinion it's theirs, the fact that I was able to love him and do anything for him made it seem that hey people can change; I was never the one to drop stuff for a guy or make decisions about my own life with him and try to make it work. Everyone has arguments and I was willing to to talk them out and just be open minded that in relationships you're gonna argue, how else are you suppose to grow and become strong? So tell me how when I thought I had find the one to share my life with and possibly had fallen in love with without even knowing it... Things just go upside down? I mean come on ... Jealousy is a terrible thing and if I were to cheat someone I'd just do it and leave the guy, I don't have anything to hide and as much as I hate conflict anything that is related to the truth I'll say it. I'm not upset that he broke up with me to be honest good for him that's one thing I didnt have to deal with, it wasn't how easy it was for him to do it either but the fact that the reasoning was just as insulting and as sour that really pissed me off. A new day has arrived and my mind is on things that weren't before, 2 days before New Years and I'm feeling pretty moody but nowadays you can find me in a bad mood I've been going out and catching up with friends have bumped into guys from the past and wow idk how long it's been since I witnessed flirting, let me tell you something this will be the reason why I'll end up probably alone forever. I'm either too good or guys are just stupid. You can easily say anything to them and they'll do whatever you want, in a way I feel bad using them but I mean when you're Steph and you've been placed on the market anything is easy for you 😘 lololol. I'm not going out and going to the gym out of spite or because I'm angry but maybe since I am bitter about things that's made rather annoyed to talk to him, he'll text me through the day but as soon as I reply he'll be like BYE, really ?? Because I'm the one that's taking time out of my day to text give him a simple reply. Maybe I should just block him. Maybe I should be an extra bitch and say things on purpose I know will hurt him, that's what happens when you hurt someone like me but maybe I haven't grieved it all too well that I'm trying to be strong and act like it doesn't affect me, then again should it ? I was a great girlfriend and I was the best person I could be and now that I'm single it's like hey I don't have anything to lose but rather it's his loss so with that being said tonight we're going out and I'm gonna have a fun ass night😌 New Year's Eve is today and I'm trying to incorporate some writing before I go to work, let's just say 2015 was not what I expected, the good the bad and the ugly all came with it I wish somethings wouldn't have happened or turned out differently but my mind is set that maybe what I do need is to be alone. There's no use in trying to fix something that I myself didn't do.. Right ? I can find someone else and try to be just as happy as I was maybe that guy won't be as stupid as to hurt me as Juan did. New Year's Day woke up with my homies to start off this year, last night was a little bit crazy drank too much and had great laughs, I forgot how awesome it was to go out without commitments we're all a little bit tired but we're going to Denny's to get some breakfast. Let me tell you something the nerve people have, just got back from Publix and whatever to talk to this guy and I can't help to want to punch something, if you say you want something why try to act different about it and tell me something completely different, this is why things won't ever work,  we always end up fighting or getting mad at something when things that should be said aren't being said I'm totally pissed off again and I don't know how to feel because I want to hear things that he's not saying and I won't say them because I don't have to. I resent him too much but all I could think about is how much I want him back but don't know if I'm ready to even let him in. I keep giving him chances and it's not happening, my mind says one thing and my heart says another. I want to be smart and not be stupid and make decisions based off my emotions tonight I went to go see him and I came home just as confused, like WTF is going on, we had the worst two weeks and now this happens??? I couldn't help to feel happy around jk and everything wrong that happened between us just disappeared; can someone please explain how the hell this is suppose to work? I can't even sleep because of this. I just had to go see him and I just to let him hold my hand and let him kiss me, my mind was saying NO and my heart was saying YES 😑😕 this isn't right at all. I'm such a selfish person, I'll be honest and I'm just as confusing I told him we shouldn't talk as much lol why Steph? Now I'm just gonna act like I  don't care and try to see what today has in store, need to get my mind off things and start thinking about this process  even though I have but I can't even come up with a fucking answer, what do I want ? Last night I went out with kayls and Michelle and her cousin, hearing Michelle talk about her boy issues made me think about my own even though was not to think about him, but idk when I do think of him I get mad , all I have is anger and idk why. Nearing the end of this whole mess I'm left two decisions either get back and put this aside, because I won't bring back this drama in this relationship if I were to try this again, I love him I really do I can't think of anyone else I rather see happy than him, despite all the hurt he's caused me I want him to be happy because I know he deserves it, in a way I've fallen for him and I think I'm mad at that because my feelings are all mixed, when he asks to be his again I want to say yes but idk why the word won't come out. I think about it and my mind is saying yes yet if I'm in love with him why haven't I said it ? I tell him I need more time and idk how much more time I need but I do know eventually I'll have to answer him.