On this day

I started this blog with the purpose of me coping with my boyfriends death. It's been 3 years since Josh passed away, I want to dedicate this post to him in a short memory. I remembered the first time I saw you after you moved from Miami, this was when we used to talk on Facebook and we had decided to just hang out. Seeing you in plain sight as I walked towards you and you walked towards me, I'll never forget my heart was beating at a thousand and I kept thinking if my hair looked good, you were wearing all black and of course your signature cap, you always wore one lol skateboard in hand, you smiled and I shyly looked away all the time. The guy I always wanted to be mine , the guy I fell in love with after all these years was finally next to me and that feeling of having you there was just enough for me. We talked about summer, we talked about the many things the past year presented us with, I laughed at your sarcastic jokes which half of them were about me, the infamous "little girl" line you always to call me. I remember this day clearly because on this day I had my first kiss with you, you and me we were a story , probably a love story of our ages. My dad had called me after you and I were just talking which felt like a second but was obviously more. I had to go and I remember not wanting to, I remember going up for the hug and we hugged and it felt like time had stopped and all I wanted was to be hugged , I remember the safeness in that hug I remember your smell and I remember thinking I never wanted to let go but as I slowly pulled away your face closer to mine and you leaned in the for the kiss. We kissed. Soft sweet kiss, I remember your hand on my cheek and I remember how red my face got that if became our inside joke "hot face" I said my goodbye and I remembered as we walked away we both looked back and ran up again for a kiss again. The walk back I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling I couldn't stop giggling , I called my best friend Andrea and I remember her yelling for joy "SEE BITCH OMG FUCKING FINALLY, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU STEPH" it was an  amazing feeling, being back home I replayed that my moment over and over again. I listened to Dr. Dog- Heart it races and it was the best way to end my summer vacation and start my junior year. After that Josh and Steph became the popular common topic and the years after that nothing would ever be the same. 

Can we honestly say we like each other ?

Laying down on the grass with you

Your hand is inches away from mine 

You talk about your dreams and i listen 

As I forget my own 

I guess your favorite color and you guess mine 

1,2,3 will kill some time 

As close as you are the farther I feel, 

You look into my eyes and I forget how to breathe,

How do you make my heart skip a beat?

You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation

Not finished

If I could I'd tell you how I really feel, I'd tell you all my worries, and how at night I feel the loneliest of loneliest. I'd stay late at night brushing your hair, watch you sleep while I think these things and wonder to myself why I never say them, truth is somethings still don't come easy and if they weren't easy before it's not easy now with everything I've been put through. You can't expect me to forget everything and nod my head in yes, when everything is alright but it really isn't. It's easy to lie to someone and easy for me to act the fool and act cool about things, as I am the way I am things won't change in what I always thought and it's only a matter of time before I give up, they're things that are greater than me and the beliefs that make me, me wouldn't be me if I don't stand by them; my worth is important and when I feel something has bruised that it's an automatic NO to myself. It's not right and it's not fair, it's insecurities and doubt that actually dwell on and that's not living.  

Haunting

A good case of ?

When I was little, I always thought that you would meet someone and that person was who you were stuck with forever. When I met my first boyfriend I believed that was the case and after certain events happened that caused me to play in this dating world, I learned finding the one is too damn hard, the effort and time and trying not to lose yourself to the conform of others can become tricky. I used to think good guys who meant what they said existed, the feeling of whatever they say and you believe every word and you don't have to worry about anything. That's the best feeling ever. Lately it's felt like everything has been piling up and I try to work it out but it's gotten to a point where I don't know what to do, you want to keep something but how can you when they've done things you can't forgive them for? When I think about it I get mad for a sec and then my anger turns to sadness because it's sad where I've come this far in life and once again I find myself getting shit thrown at me. I've become sad with myself because I feel like I'll never find someone who will respect me, love me for me, and just trust me with anything. I keep getting trust issues left and right piled up and my anxiety is at an all time high, why do people do stupid things ? Like why can't you be normal and just keep your mouth shut? I'm 21 and I feel like maybe my life will just consist of dating all the wrong guys because that's probably what I deserve for even doing the one person who loved me wrong, karma exists guys. Or maybe I'm better off alone, my mind is too tired to want to restart a relationship and get to know someone. Your life story bores me now and I probably won't find you interesting, but I'm here just being honest because after all if you can't be honest with yourself you could never be honest with someone else.

At Times

 Certain things happen to you in life that you really don't understand why, and some things hurt you and make you reluctant to give your heart to someone and unwillingly things just happen. I've always been the type to always try to conceal of who I really am, I'm a very social and interactive person that likes to hold conversation with different people, yet when it comes to dating I'm not the best at picking the right guys, 2015 started off pretty shaky but towards the end it felt like things fell into place, I met someone who surprisingly caught my attention and understood me for me. The easiness of our relationship made me comfortable to be around him because it wasn't what my appearance that mattered but more of the person I was and was able to be around like. People have opinions and say and stuff in things that shouldn't really concern them and with that being said I always tried to keep negative comments about my relationship out but it's hard to do that when everything you do is public and by that I mean posting on social media and what not. My best friends were able to get along with them and if I'm gonna trust anyone else's opinion it's theirs, the fact that I was able to love him and do anything for him made it seem that hey people can change; I was never the one to drop stuff for a guy or make decisions about my own life with him and try to make it work. Everyone has arguments and I was willing to to talk them out and just be open minded that in relationships you're gonna argue, how else are you suppose to grow and become strong? So tell me how when I thought I had find the one to share my life with and possibly had fallen in love with without even knowing it... Things just go upside down? I mean come on ... Jealousy is a terrible thing and if I were to cheat someone I'd just do it and leave the guy, I don't have anything to hide and as much as I hate conflict anything that is related to the truth I'll say it. I'm not upset that he broke up with me to be honest good for him that's one thing I didnt have to deal with, it wasn't how easy it was for him to do it either but the fact that the reasoning was just as insulting and as sour that really pissed me off. A new day has arrived and my mind is on things that weren't before, 2 days before New Years and I'm feeling pretty moody but nowadays you can find me in a bad mood I've been going out and catching up with friends have bumped into guys from the past and wow idk how long it's been since I witnessed flirting, let me tell you something this will be the reason why I'll end up probably alone forever. I'm either too good or guys are just stupid. You can easily say anything to them and they'll do whatever you want, in a way I feel bad using them but I mean when you're Steph and you've been placed on the market anything is easy for you 😘 lololol. I'm not going out and going to the gym out of spite or because I'm angry but maybe since I am bitter about things that's made rather annoyed to talk to him, he'll text me through the day but as soon as I reply he'll be like BYE, really ?? Because I'm the one that's taking time out of my day to text give him a simple reply. Maybe I should just block him. Maybe I should be an extra bitch and say things on purpose I know will hurt him, that's what happens when you hurt someone like me but maybe I haven't grieved it all too well that I'm trying to be strong and act like it doesn't affect me, then again should it ? I was a great girlfriend and I was the best person I could be and now that I'm single it's like hey I don't have anything to lose but rather it's his loss so with that being said tonight we're going out and I'm gonna have a fun ass night😌 New Year's Eve is today and I'm trying to incorporate some writing before I go to work, let's just say 2015 was not what I expected, the good the bad and the ugly all came with it I wish somethings wouldn't have happened or turned out differently but my mind is set that maybe what I do need is to be alone. There's no use in trying to fix something that I myself didn't do.. Right ? I can find someone else and try to be just as happy as I was maybe that guy won't be as stupid as to hurt me as Juan did. New Year's Day woke up with my homies to start off this year, last night was a little bit crazy drank too much and had great laughs, I forgot how awesome it was to go out without commitments we're all a little bit tired but we're going to Denny's to get some breakfast. Let me tell you something the nerve people have, just got back from Publix and whatever to talk to this guy and I can't help to want to punch something, if you say you want something why try to act different about it and tell me something completely different, this is why things won't ever work,  we always end up fighting or getting mad at something when things that should be said aren't being said I'm totally pissed off again and I don't know how to feel because I want to hear things that he's not saying and I won't say them because I don't have to. I resent him too much but all I could think about is how much I want him back but don't know if I'm ready to even let him in. I keep giving him chances and it's not happening, my mind says one thing and my heart says another. I want to be smart and not be stupid and make decisions based off my emotions tonight I went to go see him and I came home just as confused, like WTF is going on, we had the worst two weeks and now this happens??? I couldn't help to feel happy around jk and everything wrong that happened between us just disappeared; can someone please explain how the hell this is suppose to work? I can't even sleep because of this. I just had to go see him and I just to let him hold my hand and let him kiss me, my mind was saying NO and my heart was saying YES 😑😕 this isn't right at all. I'm such a selfish person, I'll be honest and I'm just as confusing I told him we shouldn't talk as much lol why Steph? Now I'm just gonna act like I  don't care and try to see what today has in store, need to get my mind off things and start thinking about this process  even though I have but I can't even come up with a fucking answer, what do I want ? Last night I went out with kayls and Michelle and her cousin, hearing Michelle talk about her boy issues made me think about my own even though was not to think about him, but idk when I do think of him I get mad , all I have is anger and idk why. Nearing the end of this whole mess I'm left two decisions either get back and put this aside, because I won't bring back this drama in this relationship if I were to try this again, I love him I really do I can't think of anyone else I rather see happy than him, despite all the hurt he's caused me I want him to be happy because I know he deserves it, in a way I've fallen for him and I think I'm mad at that because my feelings are all mixed, when he asks to be his again I want to say yes but idk why the word won't come out. I think about it and my mind is saying yes yet if I'm in love with him why haven't I said it ? I tell him I need more time and idk how much more time I need but I do know eventually I'll have to answer him.